Saturday, April 11, 2009

Body Image

This post is difficult for me to write as I'm never really been this open about myself and my secret battle with my body...

I have been dieting for the last 15 months 3 weeks and now 3 days. I have been on this medical liquid diet to help me achieve this...well who am I kidding, it's the only way I've been able to achieve, because my body hates me. Now I know what you are thinking but it is true. I will give you some insight to my body and it's hatred for me.

I eat healthy. Really, really healthy. I work out and I go to the doctor on a regular basis. I've always been aware of the health conditions in my family that could cause me problems. My grandmother on my mother's side had Diabetes, Cancer (due to smoking), high blood pressure; on this side we also have a history of thyroid conditions, obesity, and alcoholism runs rampant. My father's side has the high blood pressure, strokes, bad backs, and cancer (mostly skin). I know you're thinking that's a lot. So I've always been aware of these and have lived to eat healthy. I was Vegan for 7 years, Vegetarian for 8 and stayed away from red meats for 10 years at one point in my life. I didn't know what a lot of processed foods were and I didn't choose to know. I was happy with my body, then it decided to turn on me.

It all started during sophomore of High School. At 15 I started getting a bad back. I had to stop working out so much and it started a 2 year process of chiropractors, epidurals, steroids, back chairs, crawling, MRI/CAT scans and numerous NUMEROUS doctor visits, all finally to end at December 10th when I had back surgery and they removed a disk and shaved off a spur. But, those two years had caught up with me, I went from my lovely size 10 to a 14. Still I was okay with that, I understood why my body did morph into that size and I thought I am in control. I met my fiancĂ© then and went off to culinary college. There for some reason, people needed me to try all of these high fatty processed foods, Twinkies being one of the most particularly nasty choices. My fiancĂ© who was a Meat and Potatoes guy, he didn't understand my affinity to salads and not eating big meals and loved to take me to buffets. Then my back started acting up again. I pleaded with it to stop; I even did the exercises to no gain. I went back to the doctor who said I need more iron in my body. I explained I'm eating spinach and every iron rich food possible, and he said except for meat... I hated that he was right and I pleaded with him to not do the meat thing, I said I'm taking iron pills. He said it's not enough, you need to eat meat. So in late 2001 I started eating meat, again. It was bad, I'm not going to bore you with the gory details, let’s just say, it wasn't pretty.

I was still a size 14 but that was going to change very soon. I started taking Depo, as "The Pill" was not for me. It didn't matter if I was eating a cup of fruit or a block of cheese; I gained steadily 1/2# a week. After 9 months, a bitch fest (where I slapped D) and easily 70# heavier, I stopped taking the Depo and switched to an IUD. But the damage was already done. The medical weight was impossible to remove. I could eat anything and stay steady. I was like this for 4 years, I was miserable.

Finally I went to a doctor who diagnosed me with PCOS (a pre-diabetic condition which basically gives adult acne, cysts in the ovaries, and hormone imbalances that cause weight to stubbornly hang around). They started giving me metabolic medicines, I gained weight. They tried other medicines, I gained weight. Finally after 20# heavier I went in there, and they said I would need gastric surgery. I balked; I was like how if you don't even know what is causing the weight gain, would a life threatening surgery be a good idea for me, considering I don't eat unhealthy. They agreed and moved me to Northwest Hospital where I met Dr. Kanter and his medical team (Randy, Karen & Deanne) and he put me on his Optifast Program.

I was skeptic to say the least, it was going to be easily $5000 for a year of it and I didn't think it was going to work. But, Randy was very nice and easy to talk too, so I tried it. 4 months of drinking these opti drinks 1 every 3 hours, to total around 6; or 960 in calories.

You cannot imagine my utter delight when the first week I did the drinks I dropped weight! 4# in fact and it continued I lost a glorious 45# with the Opti, and they were ecstatic and started me into food again. That is where everything went downhill and is where I sit today. I lost a total of 55# since January 2007 and 50 of that was from January to April. I never got the success back even going back to the drinks. I have been stable pretty much since then.

Now if you are still awake, and you still don’t know why my body hates me. I will tell you. It doesn’t matter what I do, what I eat, how much I eat. I was eating 900 calories sustaining a body that usually needs 1900 calories and it didn’t care. I could eat pancakes one evening and not change weight and eat a healthy meal of about ¼ of those calories and be up in weight. It didn’t matter! I took countless blood tests, everything was normal. My body acts like I have a thyroid condition but it says I don’t. It acts like I have a hormone imbalance but according to the tests, I’m completely normal. Do you get it now?

I just stopped caring, and finally called it quits to my diet last Thursday. Apparently my body is going to stay this size and way no matter how many work outs I do or what the doctors give me to eat. I told Randy, Karen, and Deanne that and they understood and said give it 6 months we will send letters every week to let you know we didn’t forget you. I ate for the first time in practically 2 years, what I wanted to eat, I ate all my meals and didn’t drink one…and lost 2# *Throws arms up* I give up I get it! You hate me body, I just would like to know why…

1 comment:

  1. Ya know, I've had body image issues FOREVER, T. Grow up with a mom who hates her body, takes black beauties (basically just speed), does JennyCraig, does SLimfast nastiness, you name it... only to fall back into junkfood & regain it all. I'm kind of the opposite. I watched that so I decided, SCREW FOOD! I'm not eating, period! So I didn't.

    And all thru HS I was cute, decently skinny enough for me, and I had a nice butt. I was about a size 8/10.

    Then I had athsma attacks, had to do prednisone, and gained 130 lbs in 5 months. FUN. I've lost about 50 lbs of that so far?

    When I moved in with Justin, I finally started eating. And not just junk. HEALTHY food. Chicken, broccoli & steamed rice for dinner kind of thing. GOOD food! I lost weight. (WTF?)

    I have finally started to understand that first of all, I will probably never be a size 8/10 again, and that's fine. I just want to get back to 150 lbs, whatever that accounts to. I want to continue to be healthy because it turns out, food is kind of awesome.

    So ya know what? SCREW DIETS. Screw ALL of it. I did a personal trianer, all of that shit, and I GAINED 30 lbs. So now I'm at a total of 20# lost!!! AUGH!!! *beats head against wall* It's just not worth it!

    So ya know what? I'm going to drink wine at night if I feel like it, and I refuse to feel bad about having a freakin baked potato once in a blue moon when I want one. If I want one, FINE - they're high in vitamins and at least I'm not eating a bucket of lard!